I just watched Gary Oldman accept Heath Ledger's SAG award... how very sad...
I need to just start doing this. I used to write so much, all the time. Now, I have such a hard time even writing a paragraph. I just can't get it out, I spend too much time thinking about what I'm thinking about and every time I try to write about it, I seem to be unable to, and run into a blank. I space out continually while I try to write, just thinking about what I'm thinking, and then when I try to write it, I spend far too much time correcting my typos and correcting my grammar instead of just writing and getting it out quickly and then going back over it ant the end and fixing the mistakes. For some reason I just can't stand not fixing them, so instead of looking at the screen when i type like you're supposed to do, I have to literally FORCE myself to stare at my fingers while I type so that I'm not tempted to fix them. Ugh, why can't I just write. I can't write with paper anymore like I used to either. I'll write a sentence or two and then wind up spacing out again so badly that I can't come back and write, and by the time I do, I can't write anymore. Or, if I do happen to start being able to write, when I write with a pen, my fingers start hurting so badly by the time I get into it, I continually have to readjust my grip and shake and wring my fingers out. After awhile I end up having to stretch my fingers out more often then I'm even able to write, and it just winds up being useless... So, I try to write on the computer, and instead of being able to just release and get my thoughts out, I wind up continually having to fix my typos and grammar issues, and it's gets so frustrating having to just force myself to stare at my fingers, which is what I'm doing now.
I've been having a pretty hard time lately, although I keep it to myself so much that no one's the wiser... I remember that old Hole song from the 90's, "Doll Parts", with the line "I fake it so real I am beyond fake". I have always felt that applied to me so well that I can hardly even stand it. I am whoever you want me to be, whoever you need me to be. Therefore I am left feeling like I'm a fake, although I know these are just different aspects of my personality, but why do I do it so badly that it really bothers me.And I have literally no friends at all, and I'm not exaggerating, I have none. Not a single one, zero. When I see or talk to the people in my life, it's always all about them, never anything about me, ever. And I can''t really blame them or fault them any, as that's basically the way I've made it. i do not open up, but it's not that I do it purposely. It doesn't even occur to me to talk about myself. And then that goes on so long, that finally when I do have an issue or something;s bothering me, I feel like I don't even know how to bring it up or talk about it, and it's not like people ask or anything anyhow. I don't know. i wish that I could just be normal, like normal people, and have friends and a social life like normal people do. But anyone will tell you, I'm boring and no fun to hang out with. I'm never invited out, I don't think it even occurs to people because they'll tell me all about they're plans and they're fun times, but they never invite me or ask if I'd like to go out sometime or anything. And I know it's hard, because I have a son and I'm a single mom living alone (well, with just my son, I mean) so I have to get a sitter before I can go out, and I can't ever just go out on a whim, it has to be pre-planned. And I know it also sucks, because I'm in so much pain and I never know from day to day how I'll feel. So it makes it really hard to make plans.
I don't know. I feel like I don't even know who I am. I almost feel like a stranger in my own body and it's so weird. And while I can remember my past, it truly doesn't feel like I lived that, in fact it confuses me. I know I lived my past, but it's like that person that lived that life is completely someone else. I feel strange, to say the least. I feel sad a lot and feel like I'm letting my son down or disappointing him. I don't know why I always feel that way even though he's a quite happy boy and everyone tells me how wonderful he is and how I've done such a good job with him.
Also when I try to write, I'll suddenly get super tired and suddenly find that my eyes are closed. It's very weird. Like right now, my eyelids are getting heavier and heavier by the letter... I guess this looks like a good time to stop for now...
~JaidaMoon
